


knock knock

by extrastellar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Family, M/M, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Humor, Walking In On Someone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extrastellar/pseuds/extrastellar
Summary: A series of one-shots on family members walking in on another family member in compromising positions.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Kenny Ackerman/Uri Reiss, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi/Erwin Smith, Pieck/Zeke (Shingeki no Kyojin), Porco Galliard/Colt Grice, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 27
Kudos: 192





	1. Levi & Erwin

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally a brain-baby I had at 2am while eating a whole tomato so don't mind me

“Oi, Kuchel!” Kenny slammed the door shut behind himself with his heel. “I got yer damn package! Why’re you ordering so much anyway, hah?!”

He dropped the heavy package the mailman had left outside on the counter and scoffed. Really, his sister needed to tone it down on the online-shopping. She had been on a bit of a spree recently. Well, he guessed she wanted to treat herself after the Ackermann name had finally been cleared of all charges against them. Kenny grinned. Perks of him essentially being married to the head of the Reiss family.

Speaking of… Kenny checked his phone, but no new messages from Uri. Probably still working, or spending time with his niece and nephews. And when on the topic of nephews, there was no disdainful “Tch” coming from anywhere in the house as it usually did upon his arrival, so he guessed his own nephew was out. Kenny grinned. Levi was a little shit, had never really grown out of it (not that he’d grown at all, in any regard, honestly, he was still a runt). If anything, he’d only gotten more distinguished in being a little shit. Kuchel often sighed about how she had two Kennys now and Kenny wasn't sure who that statement pissed off more, him or Levi.

“Kuchel!”, Kenny called again. No answer. He frowned. Was she not home? Probably. Only one way to find out. He walked into the living room and dropped onto the couch, taking off neither his coat, nor his hat, nor his boots. When there was still no noise in the house, Kenny propped his feet up on the coffee table and waited. Usually, the action triggered some sixth sense Kuchel had and sent her flying into the living room to whoop her brother’s ass. But still, nothing.

Kenny scoffed. So he came all the way from Uri’s place outside Orvud to Kuchel’s and Levi’s only to hang out there by himself? Grand. But also, he had the whole house to himself, which hadn’t happened since he had taken Levi in when Kuchel fell sick. See, technically this had started out as his house. Then, Kuchel had gotten the diagnosis and Kenny took Levi in while Kuchel fought off her cancer. When Kuchel had been declared cancer-free when Levi was nine, she moved in with them. Kenny had started seeing Uri a little before that and spent more than half of his time at Uri’s place until his role in the house became a “might visit on the weekends” one. It was certainly not a sprawling estate like the Reiss family’s, but it was situated in the outskirts of Karanese and a lot nicer than Kuchel’s old apartment in the Underground city. But this was Kuchel’s and Levi’s place now, with Kenny dropping by every once in a while to check whether Kuchel had managed to burn the place down yet.

Kenny tipped his hat back and pulled out his phone again. He opened the chat with his sister.

_Where the hell are you_

_With Carla?_

_Who the fuck is Carla_

_Carla Jäger. You don’t know her._

_Is she related to that brat Levi hangs out with sometimes_

_If you mean Eren, then yes. His mother._

_Why do you ask anyway?_

_Cos I’m at your place and no one’s here_

_Really?_

_Levi should be home_

_Think I didn’t check? Oioioi_

_Anyway. I’ll be back at 5._

_And take your boots off the coffee table!!!!_

Kenny winced and clicked his tongue. That woman. He did not take his feet plus boots off the coffee table, though. What could Kuchel do from Shiganshina? Send him an angry voice message? Threatening. Kenny would just book it out of here before she came back at 5. Meanwhile he could plunder their pantry and see if they had anything other than black tea around. Kuchel liked to bake, maybe there was some pastries in the oven or leftover cake in the fridge? His stomach growled in approval at the thought. 

Kenny started to get up, but he froze in his tracks when he heard a thump from upstairs. He was instantly on high alert, his old cop-instincts kicking in. For a solid three minutes, there was no other sound but his low breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall. Maybe he had imagined it? No, he wasn’t that old…

He twitched when there was a scraping sound from upstairs, like furniture dragging over the floor. Whoever thought it was a good idea to burgle obviously _sucked_ at it. Kenny reached for his knife and let out a slow exhale. Call 110? No. Until the police got here, the burglar could be long gone and a car (maybe even with sirens) pulling up would definitely make them run for it. Apart from that, the police in the Sina, Rose and Maria counties was famously useless.

No, this was something Kenny would deal with himself. There was another scrape upstairs, followed by a creak and what sounded like hushed voices. Kenny scowled. Two at least then. Nothing he couldn’t handle. The room above the living room was Levi’s.

Kenny gripped his knife and pulled his feet off the table when another sound made him freeze. It sounded like a… groan? Kenny kissed his teeth. Burgling and not even able to do it quietly? Weak. There was another groan, a deeper voice, and more scraping. A slight creak joined it and Kenny frowned. What the hell was going on?

He focused entirely on the sounds from upstairs when he noticed that the scraping and creaking was very rhythmic. Like someone was jumping on a bed…

Kenny’s eyes widened in realisation and he didn’t know whether to cackle or just slap a hand to his forehead.

Levi was obviously using the allegedly empty house to fuck around with his boyfriend. Literally. Suddenly, the sounds from upstairs were almost painfully obviously indicating what was happening in his nephew’s room and Kenny felt almost disappointed in himself in not having put two and two together earlier. He was really losing his touch.

He clicked his tongue and let go of the hilt of his knife. Sheesh. But there was no way Levi and his boyfriend (what was the guy’s name again? Edwin? Edward? Irvin?) hadn’t heard Kenny enter the house. He had literally shouted when he came in. If this was Levi’s idea of keeping it down, it was pretty fucking embarrassing.

Kenny briefly contemplated giving them the mercy of simply leaving and saving them the embarrassment, but quickly threw that thought out of the window. They had literally made their fucking bed, now they better lie in it.

Instead, Kenny pushed his hands into his trench coat pockets and stomped up the stairs, loud enough to announce himself if the two lovebirds still had enough blood left in their brains to realise it. He trudged around the corner and paused briefly to hear more creaking and rustling from inside Levi’s room. Kenny clicked his tongue again. Really, Levi had gotten pretty negligent. He lifted his fist and banged on the door.

“The law has come to exterminate the vermin!”, he yelled. “Bang, bang, bang! Open up!”

The door was yanked open and Kenny grinned as he came face to face (with a significant head-tilt downwards) with his very angry, very pissed-off nephew.

“Kenny”, Levi growled under his breath. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing.”

Kenny gave his nephew a quick once-over. The t-shirt he was wearing was way too loose on him, long enough that his boxers only peeked out from under the hem. His hair was thoroughly messed up and the flush to his cheeks definitely delivered proof as to what he was doing before. If that wasn't proof enough, the slightly purpling hickey at the base of his neck definitely was.

“I could hear you and Irvin going at it like rabbits from the living room, kinda messed up my Saturday afternoon”, Kenny drawled.

“It’s Erwin”, the deeper voice Kenny had heard said and another, significantly taller man showed up behind Levi. Edward – or Erwin, apparently – was not wearing a shirt (so the one Levi was wearing was clearly his) and he only had a sheet wrapped around his waist. To his credit, he seemed absolutely unbothered by the whole situation. “Erwin Smith, sir.”

“Erwin”, Levi hissed. "The fuck do you think you're doing?"

“Nice to meetcha”, Kenny said and tipped his hat. “You some exhibitionist or why d’ya think fucking’s a good idea when someone else is in the house, eh?”

Erwin gave a tiny smile. “Don’t you and your husband do the same, living with your brother-in-law and his children?”

Kenny glared down at Levi who only shot a venomous look back. Levi wasn’t a tattle-tale so it had probably been Kuchel, his brat of a sister. Ugh. What was she even doing, blabbing away his relationship to Levi's buff boytoy?

“Wee bit of a bigger house”, Kenny said and narrowed his eyes. “And we're not married. Get your facts straight, _Irvin._ ”

“I’m going to murder you”, Levi said lowly.

“Just ‘cause of a li’l cockblocking? There’s better things to murder me for”, Kenny said with a sly grin.

Levi kissed his teeth and slammed the door in his face. “Get out of my house!”

“ _My_ house!”, Kenny called and cackled. “Alright, I’ll leave ya youngsters to it. Stay safe, kids!”

“I’m going to slice your fucking tires”, Levi growled from inside the room.

Kenny cackled again and pulled out his phone as he went downstairs to step out for as long as his nephew and Big Blond needed to get off.

_So turned out Levi was home_

_What did you do?_

_Nothin_

_Was Erwin over???_

_Kenny I swear to God_

_If you messed up their night_

_Night? It’s 3pm_

_I announced myself but they kept going I'm the victim here  
_

_I’m going to slice your tires_

_Ya know you and the runt have more in common than you might think_

Kenny locked his phone and glanced up to where he knew Levi’s window was. And sure enough, there was his nephew, glaring down at him and flipping him off before yanking the curtains shut. Kenny grinned. Levi was a little shit but that was exactly why it was so much fun to piss him off.


	2. Reiner & Berthold

The second the bell rang, Gabi was out of the classroom, completely ignoring Falco’s, Udo’s and Sophia’s yells of her name after her. She had been on pins and needles for the last two hours, twitching restlessly and glancing at the clock over the blackboard every other minute, the hand moving painfully slow to the releasing 3.45pm. She hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything after lunch break anyway - she had been named captain of the co-ed football team after all! Of course, she had expected it, but that didn’t make it any less exciting. Falco had been trying to get the position too and viciously competed alongside her, but hah! Gabi had once again prevailed and won!

So the second the clock hand hit 45 and the bell rang through the building, she burst out of the classroom, down the stairs and into the school yard and let out a loud cheer. She couldn’t wait to tell her parents! The thought made Gabi stop in her tracks and she came almost to a screeching stop. Hold up. There was one person who would be even more excited about her making captain than her parents and that was Reiner. Reiner had been captain of the football team when he had attended Liberio Gymnasium and had been the one to even introduce her to football. If there was one person who’d be as excited about it as Gabi, it would be her cousin.

“Gabi!”, Falco screeched from behind her. “Gabi, wait!”

Gabi rolled her eyes and turned on her heel, hands on her hips, as her three best friends came running. “What?!”

“You”, Udo panted. “You forgot your gym bag.”

Gabi blinked and looked at the bag that Falco was holding out to her, while doubled over and trying to catch his breath from the unarguably mad dash he had done to catch up with her. “Oh.”

“You’re welcome”, Udo wheezed, and Sophia clapped him on the shoulder when he dropped onto his butt.

Gabi took the bag and hoisted it over her shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Where’d you run so fast anyway?”, Falco managed to wrench out.

“Eh”, Gabi said and grinned. “To Reiner.”

Everyone’s eyes widened and Gabi puffed out her chest a little. She had the coolest cousin in the world and she knew it. Her friends _loved_ Reiner. Before Falco had properly met Reiner, he had insisted his brother Colt was cooler, but they had all seen Colt drunk at this point and it was an embarrassment. And then Falco and the others had met Reiner and developed a bit of a hero worship for him. Not that Gabi could blame them – she was at the forefront. Reiner hung out with them, played football with them, and went to street festivals with them and bought them (and sometimes Porco and Pieck) food.

“Oh, can we come?”, Falco asked, eyes almost sparkling.

“Falco”, Udo said and pulled at his friend’s sleeve from where he was sitting on the ground. “We can’t steal Mr. Braun from Gabi all the time.”

“And you need to stop calling him ‘Mr. Braun’”, Gabi said. “But yeah, I really wanna tell him I inherited the captain position! Man, he’ll be stoked!”

“Of course”, Sophia said with a smile. “Go ahead.”

“And don’t drop your gym bag again”, Udo said and pointed an accusatory finger at her. “Like hell am I running after you again, you demon!”

Gabi laughed. “Alright! See ya tomorrow!”

The three of them called their goodbyes and Gabi took off. Reiner’s place was only 15 minutes away from the school – 10 if she ran. During lunch break, the four of them sometimes hung out there with Reiner and his boyfriend Berthold. Annie and Marcel, friends of them would join too from time to time, but that had become rare. It was still fun though! And the fact that Reiner was just weak for puppy-dog-eyes and there were no parents around was great.

Gabi skidded around the corner and pushed open the front door. The building was always unlocked because the mailboxes were inside and Gabi had a key for Reiner’s flat. She took leaping steps up the stairs, taking two at once, until she reached the second floor. She grinned as she unlocked the door and barrelled straight into the living room.

“Reiner! You won’t believe – oh.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and gaped. Two pairs of eyes were staring at her, mortified. Two pairs of eyes, one attached to a blond head, one attached to a black-haired head, and both those heads attached to very naked bodies.

Gabi let out an almost inhumane shriek.

“Gabi”, Reiner croaked, frozen in place. “What are you doing here?”

“I – I, uh, just wanted to”, she stuttered and then heat shot into her cheeks as she slapped her hands over her eyes. “Cover up!!!”

That seemed to rip Berthold from his shock and he scrambled to grab some clothes from the floor and toss them over their very naked bodies.

“Oh my God”, Berthold murmured and sunk into the pillows of the sofa. “This is a nightmare.”

“You tell me!”, Gabi cried. “I had to look at you guys having _sex!”_

“Cuddling!”, Reiner called and clutched the t-shirt Berthold had thrown at him over his crotch. “We were cuddling!”

“Naked?!”, Gabi yelled even louder. This was not happening. She would have to pour bleach up her nose to erase that image from her brain, permanently.

“Gabi, the neighbours!”, Reiner hissed. “Why didn’t you ring the doorbell? Or text?!”

“You gave me a key!” Gabi took her hands down, but the heat remained. She didn’t know whether to laugh or scream, so she settled for a mildly hysterical cackle. 

“Gabi”, Berthold’s softer voice spoke up, no less flustered. “Can you go to the bathroom so that Reiner and I can get dressed? I’m feeling a little exposed.”

“No shit”, Reiner murmured, and Gabi spun on her heel and stomped out of the living room, down the hallway, into the bathroom. She could hear Reiner and Berthold murmur, but no matter how she concentrated, she couldn’t understand what they were saying.

Gabi wasn’t a baby – she was 12 years old. She knew that Reiner and Berthold had been dating ever since they were fifteen and that meant that they were probably having sex. But it was different theoretically knowing it and factually knowing it. Ew! That was her cousin, essentially her older brother! She shuddered and knocked her fist against her temple, trying to chase the image from her mind. Nasty.

A few minutes later, Reiner knocked on the doorframe to the bathroom where Gabi was sitting on the toilet lid. “Hey. We’re all dressed now.”

Gabi looked up to see her cousin and his boyfriend stand in the doorway, fully clothed in fact. Reiner was mostly looking remorseful while Berthold was still pink in the face and kept rubbing the back of his neck.

“Thank God”, Gabi muttered. “Why would you even fuck in the living room? The bedroom is literally next door.”

“Don’t swear”, Reiner said. “Your mum will kill me.”

“She should!”, Gabi crowed. “You flashed me!”

Reiner puffed out his chest. “ _You_ barged into _my_ flat without knocking!”

“Sorry, Gabi”, Berthold said before Gabi could shoot back which would eventually end with her and Reiner just yelling bad insults at each other until a neighbour complained. Berthold was truly a saving grace in those moments. “We didn’t know you were coming over otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. Sorry.”

Gabi harrumphed. Berthold was right, of course. But what were they doing having sex at 4pm in their living room? Adults were weird. It was “sleeping together” because it was done at night, _duh._

“Why’d you come over?”, Reiner asked.

Gabi huffed. “M’not even that excited anymore.”

Reiner grimaced. “Sorry.”

She rubbed her feet together. “I’m the new football captain.”

Reiner’s jaw dropped. “Wait – you are?”

Gabi felt a smile pulling at her lips but she was still pretending to be mad so she couldn’t let it spread over her face. “Yep. Beat Falco to it, easy.”

“Wow”, Berthold said. “That’s amazing, Gabi!”

“Amazing isn’t even enough, Bertl”, Reiner said with a wide grin and crouched down to ruffle Gabi’s hair, which she did not protest to. This was a Reiner only privilege. He squeezed her shoulder and smiled at her. “Great job, Gabi. Seriously. You deserve it. You worked hard for this.”

“I know!”, Gabi called, her earlier excitement coming back full force. “I mean it was obvious that I was going to be it but it was still so cool when Coach Magath said it would be me!”

“Congrats”, Reiner said and ruffled her hair a little more. “I think that deserves celebratory ice cream.”

Gabi’s eyes lit up. “Your treat?”

“Of course”, Reiner said and Berthold stifled a chuckle.

“But I get double”, Gabi said.

“What? Why?”

“Eh, cause you guys scarred me for life?”

“Gabi – ”

She crossed her arms and lifted her chin in a challenge. “Double ice cream or I snitch to Mum.”

Reiner grimaced. “… alright. You little blackmailer.”

Gabi only grinned at him. “Oh, and I’m gonna invite Falco, Udo and Sophia too!”

“Should I invite Annie, Marcel, Porco and Pieck too?”, Berthold asked with an innocent smile.

“No way”, Reiner said and pointed at his boyfriend. “I’m still broke from the last pizza on me.”

“Just kidding.”

“ _You better.”_


	3. Colt & Porco

“They what?!”, Falco near shrieked.

“Geez, Falco, don’t be such a baby, we both had the same Sex Ed class”, Gabi said with a roll of her eyes. “I caught Reiner and Berthold naked.”

“I got that part”, Falco said and picked his apple back up from where he had dropped it on the blanket they had thrown on the grass in front of the school building. “But where they… you know.”

“Having sex?”, Sophia filled in and Falco felt heat rush into his cheeks. How could Sophia say something so bluntly? How could any of them talk about this without spontaneously combusting?

“Nah, don’t think so”, Gabi said. “They were kinda just laying around. Reiner said they were cuddling. But they were naked.”

“Hm”, Udo said. “It was pretty hot yesterday.”

“Whatever”, Gabi said and waved it off. “We got free ice cream out of it, so.”

“True”, Falco said and grinned. “Colt never buys us ice cream.”

“I mean, Reiner probably earns more than him. He’s already working as a teacher, isn’t he?”, Sophia asked.

“Sort of, I don’t think he’s getting paid for it, it’s just part of his studies”, Gabi said and flopped onto the grass. “Berthold’s already earning cash, though. Guess engineering pays off.”

“Why’s Berthold never treating us then?”

“Cause he sees right through us and Reiner is weak”, Gabi said and sat back up, cross-legged. “Anyway! What’s Colt up to, Falco?”

“I mean, he’s interning at Zeke’s company right now, so pretty busy”, Falco said and shrugged. “Don’t see him that much. I think Porco sees him more.”

“Well… Porco is his boyfriend”, Udo said.

“And I’m his brother!” Falco took a big bite out of his apple. “S’not fair!”

“Just don’t run over to Porco’s place to confront him”, Gabi said. “You might end up sharing my fate.”

Falco cringed as Udo and Sophia laughed. Ew. No, he’d never do that. He was too well raised anyway to barge into someone’s flat without announcing himself clearly first. Gabi brought herself into that situation anyway.

“Oh, Gabi”, Udo spoke up. “Are Reiner and Berthold finally engaged?”

Gabi blew a raspberry. “Ugh! No! It’s so stupid! Bertl’s too shy to ask him even though he already bought a ring, and Reiner is just dense.”

A round of frustrated sighs went around. They all had bet one month of pocket money on when and who of the two would propose but they had to keep coming up with new dates because nothing was happening. Colt, Porco, Marcel, Pieck, Zeke and Annie were in on the bet too.

“In the end Colt and Porco get hitched before them”, Gabi said.

“Don’t be a dumbhead”, Falco muttered. “They’re not even living together. Colt still lives at _home._ ”

Udo nodded. “Not to mention that Porco is not settling down anytime soon. I mean, that would require that he quits the army. He’s still on call.”

“Just saying”, Gabi hummed. “Soph, what’s the time?”

“1.55”, Sophia said.

“Damn!” Falco shot up straight. “We have class on the third floor at two, let’s move it!”

* * *

Putting two hours of History on a Monday afternoon should be forbidden, if you asked Falco. At this point, it was mostly World War II anyway and as important as the topic was, it kind of ruined Falco’s good mood every time.

Gabi, Udo and Sophia had already waved goodbye and went on their ways home, so it was just Falco trudging through Liberio by himself. His bike had gotten stolen _again_ so it took him a good 20 minutes on foot to go home. He could of course take the bus, but that was expensive and didn’t actually cut any time. Not to mention the bus didn’t even stop anywhere near his house. Gabi was not heading over to Reiner’s today, but Falco kind of wished that she had. It was easy to spontaneously show up at Reiner’s place with Gabi, she being his cousin and all, but if it was just Falco? That would be weird, right?

Falco sighed and fumbled his key into the lock of his family home. His parents were both out working, but Colt should be home, he had taken two vacation days for a long weekend. Maybe his brother had even made lunch and left some for him. Falco’s stomach growled in approval. Lunch would be nice. He’d only had an apple and a sandwich in school and he was a growing boy!

The second Falco stepped foot into the hallway he froze.

“Porco – wait”, his brother’s voice called and it sounded nothing like Colt normally did. Not this pressed, almost on the verge of pain.

Falco was frozen in place. A groan echoed through the house, followed by what Falco clearly recognised as Porco’s laughter.

What the hell was happening?

Another groan and something that sounded like a sob. There was a slapping sound and a whimper. Falco burst into motion when a wail of “Porco!” in what was definitely Colt’s voice came from his brother’s room.

Porco was hurting him, going as far as to make Falco’s brother, _Colt Grice_ , cry out and sob in pain? Falco knew his brother. Colt wasn’t a quick crier. When he broke his arm in seventh grade, he hadn’t cried. When their grandmother died, he’d had wet eyes but hadn’t cried while Falco had sobbed like a baby. So whatever Porco was doing to his brother, it was bad.

Falco reached for the baseball bat that was leaning against the wall in the hallway, silently glad that he hadn’t put it away yet even though his mother had scolded him for it. Porco was bigger and stronger than him. But Falco had the element of surprise. He had to land one good hit and then Colt could help him, if he was not too beat up. And even if he was, Falco could do plenty of damage with the bat. He’d scream, too, that would get the neighbours’ attention.

He tip-toed down the hallway, glad that his brother’s bedroom was essentially the whole basement while Falco had the attic – their stairs up creaked horribly so he would never be able to execute his plan the way he wanted to. Falco silently put his bag down and sneaked down the stairs. He winced when he could hear is brother whimper and groan in pain in between the slaps.

Falco felt red-hot anger well up inside of him all of a sudden. What had Colt done to Porco that he was beating him up?! Colt was an amazing brother and as far as Falco knew, a great boyfriend to Porco! So what the hell was going on? What was wrong with Porco’s dumb head?

He took a deep breath and steeled himself. His hands were clammy around the hilt of the bat, but there was no way he was backing down now.

One. Two. _Three._

Falco kicked the door open and ran in, screaming at the top of his lungs, and swung the baseball bat right into Porco’s stunned face.

“ _Falco!”_ , Colt yelled and Porco, who had fallen to the floor, barely managed to block Falco’s next blow.

How dare the bastard even look so unapologetic and confused! Like he hadn’t been beating up Falco’s big brother just seconds before! Falco’s throat was hurting from screaming but when Porco managed to wrench the bat from him, he resorted to his fists, landing one nice blow against Porco’s jaw.

“Colt!”, Porco snapped and suddenly, Falco was yanked back.

“Colt!”, Falco yelled. “Let me go! You run, I got him!”

“Falco”, Colt said and whirled his brother around so that he was looking him in the face. Falco stopped swinging his fists. “What are you _doing?!”_

Falco stilled. Huh. That was weird. Colt didn’t have any bruises or blood in his face. Just a few dark spots on his neck. And his mouth looked swollen. And his cheeks were super pink. Falco frowned.

“I heard you!”, Falco called and wrenched free from Colt’s grip. “Porco was beating you up!”

“I was what now”, Porco said from the floor and Falco whirled around, ready to punch him in the face again, when he saw that Porco was stark naked. A haphazardly pulled close sheet was thrown over his hips and crotch, but he was definitely naked. And his knuckles were not bloody.

What…

“Falco…”, Colt started and Falco turned around, confused when his brother’s face was bright red. And not just pink-ish, but almost the colour of Gabi’s hair, however that was possible. “Porco wasn’t… beating me up.”

“But – ” Falco paused. Hold on. Why was _Colt_ naked too? At least from the waist up, what Falco could see?

Colt let out a pained noise and Porco groaned from the floor.

“You know about the birds and the bees, don’t ya”, Porco said.

Falco blinked. “Yeah? What’s that got to do with you beating up my brother, huh?!”

“He doesn’t get it”, Porco said flatly.

Falco scowled at him. What wasn’t he getting?!

“Falco”, Colt said again and rubbed his still bright red face. “We were… you know. Doing adult stuff. Y’know. Uh... sex?”

The last word came out as almost a groan and Colt sagged, face hidden in his hands.

Oh.

_Oh._

Falco felt his own face heat up. Oh no. The exact same thing that had happened to Gabi had happened to him. Even after she’d warned him!!!

“But – ”, Falco stuttered. “But you sounded like you were in pain! I thought Porco was hurting you!”

“He wasn’t”, Colt said, his voice muffled by his hands. “Promise.”

“Yeah”, Porco said, still on the floor, a grin playing on his face. “I wouldn’t hurt him. It’s cute that you came in to defend him like that. Even though you gave us major blue balls.”

Falco frowned. Blue balls?

“Porco!”, Colt hissed.

“What? It’s true.”

“What are blue balls?”, Falco asked.

“I’ll… tell you another time”, Colt said and finally pulled his hands down. A forced, near pained smile spread on his face. “Can you go upstairs so we can dress and, uh, clean up?”

Falco, his face still hot enough that you could fry an egg on it, climbed off the bed. Really, that should have been the first indicator. Who beat someone up on a bed? “… yeah.”

Ten minutes later, Colt and Falco came upstairs into the living room.

“Look”, Colt said as he sat down opposite Falco, Porco leaning against the couch behind him. “Sorry that you had to… see that.”

Falco didn’t say anything. During the ten minutes he had waited on the sofa, the mortification had caught up with him. He had not only burst in on his brother cuddling naked with his boyfriend, like Gabi had, no – he had literally toppled Porco off Colt and beat him up with a baseball bat. He wished a hole would open in the ground and swallow him whole.

“I, uh, appreciate that you beat Porco up?”, Colt continued, not sounding sure of himself.

“You what?”, Porco asked, both eyebrows lifted.

“I mean!” Colt groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, I appreciate that you would have done this if I was getting beaten up for real. Really. I do, Falco.”

Any other day Falco would have preened at the praise, but right now, it just made him pull his collar over his mouth and nose and sink deeper into the sofa.

“But I didn’t hurt him”, Porco continued. “I’d never.”

“It sounded like it”, Falco murmured, voice muffled by his shirt.

“Ah.” Colt rubbed the back of his neck. “I… no, it… I made those noises… shit, uhm. Because I was feeling… good. It was good.”

Falco scowled. “Why would you sob and wail when it feels _good?!”_

“I wish Mum and Dad were here”, Colt muttered. “That’s just a, a thing. It’s normal. For some. Uh. You’ll understand. Someday! When you’re old enough. Not now.”

Falco was not convinced. “But the slaps!”

Colt made a pained noise and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I… no way, I can’t say it.”

“I spanked him”, Porco said, blunt and direct, and Colt looked like he wanted to die.

Falco’s frown deepened. Spanking was a punishment. Why the hell would Porco _spank_ Colt when they were… doing that?

“But why!”, he asked.

“He likes it”, Porco said with a shrug. “I wouldn’t do it if he didn’t.”

Okay, Falco didn’t understand that, but Porco was nothing if not sincere. Sometimes too sincere.

“I don’t get it”, he said and Colt and Porco both winced. “But I really don’t want you guys to explain because that’s weird. And awkward.”

“You tell me”, Colt said with a nervous laugh.

“Good bat skills, by the way”, Porco said and touched his cheek where the skin had, to Falco’s horror, split. “Maybe you should check out baseball rather than football, huh?”

“Sorry”, Falco blurted out.

“S’fine”, Porco said. “Good to know that you can handle yourself, kiddo.”

“Don’t call me that”, Falco grumbled.

“Ah, and Falco?”, Colt spoke up. “It would be _awesome_ if you didn’t tell Mum and Dad about this. I might just die from embarrassment.”

“Me too”, Falco said and pulled his collar down again. How had Gabi done it the other day with Reiner and Berthold again? “If you buy me ice cream.”

Colt blinked. “What?”

“He’s been hanging around Gabi too much”, Porco said and fished his wallet out of his back pocket. “Alright. My treat. Since I’m the culprit here.”

“You’re not”, Colt said. “But fine.”

He shot Falco a look. “You definitely hang around Gabi too much.”

Falco grinned.

‘And it pays off’, he thought.


	4. Zeke & Pieck

“…ren. Eren!”

Eren snapped up and promptly yelped as his head slammed into something. He heard Zeke curse and turned around to see his half-brother cradling his jaw.

“Ow”, Zeke groaned and rubbed his chin. “You’re way too thick-headed.”

Eren glared at him. “Hey, you interrupted me studying. Deal with it.”

Zeke gave him the side-eye. “Studying? Is that what you’re calling it now?”

Okay, maybe Zeke had a point. In his defence, Eren _had_ started out determined to study for his upcoming midterms. He really had taken the biggest nosedive in choosing medicine to honour their father. Zeke had already disappointed Grisha by choosing to study law instead, so it had been up to Eren to uphold the “family honour”. Five generations of doctors? Eren wouldn’t let the streak die with him. If only it wasn’t so goddamn _hard._ So sue him if he decided to literally sleep on his life choices.

“Screw you”, Eren muttered and cracked his neck. Ugh. Just falling asleep hunched over his books had not been a good idea and he didn’t have to be a med student to know that. “What do you want?”

Usually, Zeke and he didn’t live together. Eren was in the dorms near campus in Mitras and Zeke had his own place in Liberio. Once a month though they met at their father’s place to catch up with him. Zeke went to see his mother Dina once every month too, but he and Carla also got along fairly well. Eren had long since given up explaining his family dynamics to other people. Bring in Mikasa as his adopted sister – yeah, all was lost then.

“Don’t you want to study with Mikasa and Armin today?”, Zeke asked.

Eren frowned. Mikasa usually joined them every month, this being her family too, duh, but with midterms so close she had decided to stay in the dorm and spent the weekend in the library. And Shiganshina was a three hour train-ride away from Mitras University.

“No?”, Eren said and rolled his eyes. “Why would I have come here then?”

Zeke sighed and pushed up his glasses. “Look, I need you out of the house for the next two hours.”

Now, people liked to call Eren needlessly defensive. He honestly couldn’t see it. “What? No. Why?”

“I’m having friends over”, Zeke said.

“So what? I’m gonna be up here, studying”, Eren said with a scoff and turned back to his notes.

“We wouldn’t want to disturb you”, Zeke said.

“I’ll put headphones in?” Eren waved his earbuds in front of his face.

“Eren.” Zeke just sounded exasperated now. “Can you just go on a run for, like, two hours?”

Eren scoffed and put his earbuds in.

“Eren!”

“Yeah!”, Eren called over the thrum of his music, eyebrow already twitching in annoyance. “I’ll be out of your hair! Just lemme finish this chapter, jeez!”

“Okay”, he heard Zeke say. “I’m popping over to the shops, can you be gone when I’m back?”

Eren rolled his eyes and drawled: “Yeaaaahhh.”

“Cool.” Zeke turned around. “Thanks, man.”

Eren waved him off and only heard the door to his room shut and Zeke’s steps down the stairs. He switched his music off and pulled his earbuds out. Why was Zeke being so shady? It was already weird enough that their parents were out of the house the entire afternoon, but their dad had gotten an emergency call from the hospital and their mum had to jump in for a sick colleague at work. They had both been bummed about it, but Zeke and Eren had assured them that it was alright and that they’d make themselves a nice afternoon.

Hah. “Nice afternoon”. Zeke was kicking him out! And wouldn’t even tell him why! Something fishy was going on. Eren tapped his pen on his notes. He’d never noticed Zeke being shady, but then again, they saw each other maybe 12 times a year and apart from that only texted once in a while. They weren’t as close as Eren and Mikasa were, by far. Eren didn’t know that much about his brother, actually. He knew Zeke was a prodigal lawyer at a big firm in Liberio, on the other side of the channel, at Marley & Partners, that he knew Reiner, Berthold and Annie from when they had been living in Liberio, and that he had a girlfriend there whose name Eren could not remember for the life of him. Was it Pia? No, it ended in a consonant.

What if…

Eren paused. Lawyers were involved in some shady shit. He’d googled the firm Zeke worked for before and Marley & Partners was _huge._ There was no way they weren’t involved in some seedy business. Was Zeke having colleagues and clients over to talk shit through? No, his family home wouldn’t be a good spot for that. Right? On the other hand, no one would guess it. Zeke had lived in Liberio all his life, with their grandparents, mostly, until his mother Dina was healthy again. Technically, Grisha had zero custody. Zeke only visited after turning 18 and even then only on the monthly basis. No one would guess the home of Dr. Grisha Jäger to be the epicentre of money laundering or whatever crap Marley & Partners pulled.

Eren’s jaw clenched. Fuck no, he was not going out for a two-hour-run. He was staying here and finding out what his half-brother had gotten himself involved in.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the front door opened again and Zeke called: “Eren? You home?”

Eren sat frozen in his parents‘ bedroom. He’d grabbed his running clothes, shoes, earbuds and phone with him in case Zeke decided to check his room. He’d even snatched his key from the keyboard downstairs and taken it with him.

“His key is gone”, Zeke said. “Alright, come in.”

Eren tensed. His heart was racing. Whom had Zeke brought?

“So mean to kick your brother out for our little meeting”, a woman’s voice spoke. “I would have liked to meet him.”

“Another time, Piecky”, Zeke said and Eren could hear the rustle of shoes and jackets being taken off, the clang of Zeke’s key in the key bowl. “Eren can be a little much.”

Eren almost stormed out of his hiding to give his brother a piece of his mind. He was not “a bit much”! Even though Mikasa, Armin and Jean would probably confirm that every other day.

Piecky… he’d never heard that name before. Not when Zeke talked, not on the news or in the paper or anything. Huh. A representative or colleague, then, maybe?

The woman sighed. “Pity. Let’s go to your room? We have a lot to catch up on?”

“Sure.” It sounded like Zeke was smiling. “Follow me.”

Eren cursed inwardly. Zeke had the guest room and it was on the ground floor whereas Eren’s and his parents’ bedrooms were on the first floor. He’d have to come out of hiding if he wanted to find anything out at all. He strained to hear the door close. Shit. He couldn’t hear anything now.

Eren took a deep breath. He could climb out the window and get down to the ground over the garage. Then, he’d only need to run around the house and he could peek in through Zeke’s window on the ground floor. With his window facing out the back and no neighbours there, Zeke usually kept his blinds up which Eren knew because he had seen his half-brother chilling near naked in his room through that window way too often.

Okay. That plan it was, then.

He waited for a few more minutes to gather his nerves. Getting out of the window and to the back of the house proved easy enough. Eren ducked under his brother’s window, heart in his throat. He took a long breath and craned his neck back. Okay, good, the blinds were up. Just one peek…

Eren slowly rose into a high squat in case he needed to duck quickly. His thighs burned (ugh, maybe he should have gone on that run) and he craned his head up as far as he could, fingers clutching the windowsill. Just a bit more.

The second Eren glanced into the room he knew that he was a grade A idiot. There was no secret money laundering or corruption going on in his brother’s bedroom. What was going on was Zeke was very enthusiastically going down on a half-undressed black-haired woman who seemed to enjoy herself _very much._

_Fuck._

Eren tried to crouch down again, his face burning. He was such a fucking idiot!

He was too busy insulting himself to notice the creaking of the brass windowsill. He did notice when it came loose from his hands clutching to it and fell onto his head.

“Fuck!”, Eren yelped and let go of the sill to clutch his head for the second time today. The loose windowsill clattered onto the ground and Eren’s eyes widened in horror.

There was no way Zeke hadn’t heard that. He tried to scramble around and make a run for it when the window above him opened.

“Eren, what the fuck.”

Eren felt heat shoot into his cheeks and he jumped to his feet, trying to preserve at least some of his dignity. Zeke was looking at him in a mixture of amusement, irritation and confusion. Nothing gave away what he had been doing just a second before.

Eren grimaced. Scratch that. Zeke’s beard was definitely shiny with something that wasn’t beard oil or whatever.

“Front door was locked”, he blurted out.

Zeke now looked mostly amused. “Didn’t you take your keys?”

How to tell his brother that his keys and running clothes were in his parents’ bedroom?

“Oh, is that Eren?”, the woman’s voice spoke up and Eren felt himself flush even harder when she squeezed next to Zeke. She had buttoned up her blouse again and smoothed her skirt down. That didn’t change the fact that Eren had seen her on Zeke’s bed, legs splayed wide open and hands in his brother’s hair as he went down on her.

Oh god. He’d have to snort bleach to forget those images.

“Hi”, the woman said and smiled. Her black hair was a little tousled, but she had a kind smile and wide black eyes. She was a good bit shorter than Zeke and Eren noticed her holding herself up on a crutch. “I’m Pieck.”

“Eren”, Eren said back, stupidly. “Uh. Nice to meet you?”

Pieck smiled. “Aw.”

“So what brings you to my windowsill?”, Zeke asked and smirked. “Lonely?”

“Don’t be nasty”, Eren said and wrinkled his nose. “Look, nevermind, I’m going on a run.”

“So you didn’t go on a run?”

Eren pointed at his threadbare jumper and loose joggers. “ _No._ ” 

“Your fault”, Zeke said and shrugged. “I told you to go.”

“In a super shady way!” Eren shrieked. “I thought you were going to do corruption with your firm’s clients or something!”

“The only thing getting corrupted in here is Piecky’s virtue”, Zeke said and Pieck knocked her hip against his. “Wait, you really thought I was caught up in some illegal business? Wow.”

“You should have just told me you wanted to shag your girlfriend!”, Eren called and his face felt hot enough to boil water on it at this point. “Nevermind! I’m leaving!”

“See you some other time!”, Zeke called after him and cackled. “And you’re paying for that windowsill!”

“Fuck you!”, Eren yelled and flipped his brother off.

Pieck laughed and waved. “Nice to meet you, Eren!”

Zeke shut the window after that and the shutters closed a second later. Eren harrumphed. If only they’d done that five minutes prior.

The only upside here was that he’d remembered his brother’s girlfriend’s name somewhat correctly. Started with a “Pi” sound and ended in a consonant.

Eren squatted down once he’d reached the garage and muffled a groan in his hands. If Mikasa and Armin had been here, this wouldn’t have happened. _Shit._ But it wasn’t his fault! Zeke was being a shady shit!

‘And you were a nosy shit’, a voice in his head that sounded dangerously like Jean’s said.

“Fuck”, Eren muttered and jumped when his phone pinged.

**_Zeke_**  
I’ll let you know when we’re done 😉

Eren flushed again. Having a big brother had been cool in the beginning but right now Eren only felt like murdering the guy.

**_You_**  
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

He didn’t know Pieck yet but he already felt like she deserved better than his nasty ass brother.


End file.
